Drill a tiny hole into your head.
Who am I to judge anyone?
I place my hand upon my aching stomach, my aching sides. My brain is throbbing, my eyes look nowhere but straight ahead. The rest of my mind reaches out all around me with invisible tendrils, prying for other ways to help me avoid what I need to face. The nearer I draw to peace, the more I feel my eyes well up.
“This must be what everyone else feels like.”
Light, so light.
My thoughts are all alright,
I accept them and suddenly I am internally smooth like nobody else has ever been. Or, maybe how everyone else is all the time.
My work is not done.
My future is unsure.
I suppose it is the human dilemma.
I suppose it is my dilemma.
AMBITION II
Smooth legged and red haired, she watched herself in the mirror. Each line of conversation that would go on between them was mouthed, everything she would say or should have said. That conversation turned to one of the future; an interview on her newly released critically acclaimed post-apocalyptic film. “Riveting. Absolutely Riveting.” they would say. She would reply with, “What the fuck does that even mean?” a typical response. They knew her well.
The blow dryer slid off of the counter, snapping her back to reality.
Blink, Blink.
Her stomach swelled with dinner.
He likes flat stomachs.
She must take immediate action to remove the disgusting bloat.
Abs, abs, abs. 40 sit ups. Crunches. Stretch, get flexible.
She should avoid eating so much.
For the first time in her life she set her eyes on each nutritional label before chowing down. Water became the drink of choice, and chocolate was no longer acceptable. Longingly she would gaze upon those lucky bastards who were able to eat carelessly.
She was the minority now, fighting for her body. Fighting for him, who she could not have.
PostSecret.
“I am afraid that I am responsible for my own loneliness”
This one made me think. Can one be blamed for their own condition/situation? Well, I guess it’s better to blame no one at all, but when it comes down to it is it better to blame other people or yourself?
“I go to the movies to imagine what life would be like if only I could fit in”
That nearly brought me to tears. It is terribly close to home, and it is exactly what I do. There is nothing more comforting than the positive side of ones own imagination; of escaping from reality into your own world, or someone else’s world, acted out on screen.
“I’m not brave enough to take the risks that would make me truly happy”
My philosophy is derived from the Palahniuk quote “Without access to true chaos, we will never have true peace.” So obviously this one stuck out to me. I often worry that I’m missing out on some kind of secret reality because my anxiety inhibits me from diving into certain things that I feel would bring peace to myself.
“I am tired of taking pills to make me feel better”
Pills can put a serious damper on things. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say “No, I can’t tonight, I don’t have my pills.” It’s not so much the aviane (a form of birth control), but celexa is unlike prozac with the fact it doesn’t roll around in your system if you miss one. It drains you while simultaneously re-directing misguided chemicals in your brain. You sacrifice parts of reality for the possibility of being able to experience life in the same way other people do.
“Often I find myself wanting to be alone, but my biggest fear is that I will be.”
What human being has not had this thought at least once? It is a primal thing, the fear of loneliness. If you were alone or unable to survive amongst other beings you were not able to carry on the species and survive. This sort of instinct clashes with the desire for some solitary time away from society, where you are able to just relax. Ever since there has been some kind of culture people have been faced with these intertwining and conflicting wants. Unity and isolation. It has escalated now in current society, and amongst ourselves we must find the proper combination of the two for ourselves. I definitely struggle with this often.
Last but not least, my personal favorite:
“Shit, I was almost happy again.”
I actually had a conversation with Dr. Rivera about this earlier. Every time my anxiety disappears and I feel calm, I get so excited about being calm I become anxious again. (Yes, my emotions are one giant ironic mess) She suggested that when I begin to feel aware that I am happy, I should accept it and not hold a joy fit. (Not in those words, of course.)
