“I am afraid that I am responsible for my own loneliness”

This one made me think. Can one be blamed for their own condition/situation? Well, I guess it’s better to blame no one at all, but when it comes down to it is it better to blame other people or yourself?

“I go to the movies to imagine what life would be like if only I could fit in”

That nearly brought me to tears. It is terribly close to home, and it is exactly what I do. There is nothing more comforting than the positive side of ones own imagination; of escaping from reality into your own world, or someone else’s world, acted out on screen.

“I’m not brave enough to take the risks that would make me truly happy”

My philosophy is derived from the Palahniuk quote “Without access to true chaos, we will never have true peace.” So obviously this one stuck out to me. I often worry that I’m missing out on some kind of secret reality because my anxiety inhibits me from diving into certain things that I feel would bring peace to myself.

“I am tired of taking pills to make me feel better”

Pills can put a serious damper on things. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say “No, I can’t tonight, I don’t have my pills.” It’s not so much the aviane (a form of birth control), but celexa is unlike prozac with the fact it doesn’t roll around in your system if you miss one. It drains you while simultaneously re-directing misguided chemicals in your brain. You sacrifice parts of reality for the possibility of being able to experience life in the same way other people do.

“Often I find myself wanting to be alone, but my biggest fear is that I will be.”

What human being has not had this thought at least once? It is a primal thing, the fear of loneliness. If you were alone or unable to survive amongst other beings you were not able to carry on the species and survive. This sort of instinct clashes with the desire for some solitary time away from society, where you are able to just relax. Ever since there has been some kind of culture people have been faced with these intertwining and conflicting wants. Unity and isolation. It has escalated now in current society, and amongst ourselves we must find the proper combination of the two for ourselves. I definitely struggle with this often.

Last but not least, my personal favorite:

“Shit, I was almost happy again.”

I actually had a conversation with Dr. Rivera about this earlier. Every time my anxiety disappears and I feel calm, I get so excited about being calm I become anxious again. (Yes, my emotions are one giant ironic mess) She suggested that when I begin to feel aware that I am happy, I should accept it and not hold a joy fit. (Not in those words, of course.)