Drill a tiny hole into your head.
Who am I to judge anyone?
I place my hand upon my aching stomach, my aching sides. My brain is throbbing, my eyes look nowhere but straight ahead. The rest of my mind reaches out all around me with invisible tendrils, prying for other ways to help me avoid what I need to face. The nearer I draw to peace, the more I feel my eyes well up.
“This must be what everyone else feels like.”
Light, so light.
My thoughts are all alright,
I accept them and suddenly I am internally smooth like nobody else has ever been. Or, maybe how everyone else is all the time.
My work is not done.
My future is unsure.
I suppose it is the human dilemma.
I suppose it is my dilemma.
AMBITION AT ITS FINEST
Oct. 18th @ 11:30-something
Her eyes were blank as she stared forward into the distance. The cold of her bare back against the wall released a grim chill that made every individual pore tingle. Slowly her fingers found their way to her hair, bleached & damaged, loved & destroyed. She ran her thumb along the cracked lines of her lips. They quivered, a testimony to unspoken emotions. Her brow, her lashes, her neck, her tongue, her stomach–they all reeked of attachment to him. She wanted him, she almost had him whole. Now she could only have half. Would he still take her? This question devoured her, body and mind. Not one second passed in a day where some part of her brain was not entirely wrapped within it as if by some iron blanket.
Flesh–his flesh–would be the only release; the only imprisonment, & she would settle for nothing less.
If it’s a broken heart, then face it. Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way.
Is fighting temptation worth the struggle? Or is it better to succumb to your wants, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow?
One is obviously more morally correct, but which one is truly more satisfying?
(I guess they both are, one is just slowly satisfying while the other is immediate.)
Temptation comes along with having the psyche of a human being. Where there are moral standards, be them conscious or unconscious, there will be a point at which the line is crossed. We all cross this line at least once, because if we do not, we will never discover where the line is. Sometimes it takes a few cross-ings to figure it out. Some never find it all, don’t need to, don’t want to, whatever.
I am in the midst of this. My strings are being pulled, and it’s fucking my lines up.
It’s up to me and him to figure out what to do, but the vocalizing of the situation proves difficult. I know what I want, and it’s most definitely not up to moral standards. I also am aware that in the end what I want will fuck me up. Unfortunately, I am completely comfortable in a fucked up state, making the line even more blurry.
This is a reoccurring problem for me, and I think it is for a lot of people. You know, the whole “Wants Vs. Needs” thing. I make myself the excuse that since I am a teen, I have a right to experiment, even when the results will be obvious. It’s all part of the rebellion stage where I want to discover the consequences from myself and then learn from it, right? HAH, right. Or perhaps, the simple, I CANNOT CONTROL MY HORMONES. Yes. No.
I know what I should do. But it’s not what I want to do.
But I want to do it anyways, and probably will if the chance occurs.
Memories fade, like looking through a fog mirror
I find that those who truly desire freedom are those who observe that they are not free. In realizing this, they detach themselves from comfort and open their lives to another dimension; a dimension of new responsibilities, these being the only door to liberation.
To let go and to truly be without the influences of others.
To put yourself together, using only your mind and body.
Self-love, but not self-obsession.
